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October 27, 2026 | Vicki Ailey-Roberson
Is Marriage Counseling Right for Us? What to Expect
Learn when couples therapy may help, what sessions involve, and when a different kind of support should come first.
How to Answer “Is Marriage Counseling Right for Us?”
You may still care deeply about each other but feel stuck in the same fights, distant at home, or unsure how to repair trust. If you are asking, “is marriage counseling right for us,” this guide will help you assess the warning signs, understand how evidence-based couples therapy works, and know what to expect during the process. You will also learn when joint sessions should pause for safety reasons and how couples across Iowa can access support.
Signs That Marriage Counseling May Help
Conflict alone does not mean your relationship is failing. What matters is whether you can regulate disagreements, hear each other, and repair the connection afterward. Counseling may be useful when attempts to solve a problem repeatedly leave one or both of you feeling rejected, defensive, or emotionally shut down.
Some couples experience “roommate syndrome.” You may handle work, parenting, bills, and household tasks well while affection, curiosity, vulnerability, or physical intimacy gradually disappear. Other couples remain caught in criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or avoidance.
Consider seeking help when you notice that:
- The same argument returns without a workable resolution.
- One partner pursues a conversation while the other shuts down or leaves.
- You avoid difficult topics because every attempt becomes hostile or hopeless.
- Trust has been damaged by secrecy, betrayal, or broken agreements.
- You feel lonely in the relationship even when you spend time together.
- Major decisions about parenting, money, intimacy, or the future remain gridlocked.
According to The Wesleyan Church, about 69% of relationship conflict involves perpetual problems rooted in lasting differences. Therapy can help you discuss those differences without letting them control the relationship. If repetitive arguments are your main concern, read why couples keep having the same fight.
How Gottman and EFT Support Repair
With more than 30 years of professional experience, Ankeny Family Counseling uses evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT. We provide a compassionate, non-judgmental setting where both partners can speak openly. We do not approach the work as a contest with a winner and a loser.
The Gottman Method
The Gottman Method combines an understanding of your relationship patterns with practical skills. Sessions may focus on how you begin difficult conversations, respond to bids for attention, calm escalating conflict, and rebuild friendship. You may practice listening or conflict-management tools during a session and continue using them between appointments.
Emotionally Focused Therapy
EFT looks beneath the content of an argument to identify the emotions and attachment needs driving it. According to ICANotes, EFT is grounded in adult attachment theory. A fight that appears to be about chores, for example, may carry a deeper fear of being unimportant, rejected, or left alone.
We use these approaches to help couples slow negative cycles, express underlying needs more clearly, and respond with less defensiveness. Gottman tools can strengthen communication and conflict management, while EFT can help restore emotional safety and intimacy. The approach is adapted to the couple rather than forcing every relationship through one fixed script.
What Happens in Couples Therapy
Beginning therapy can feel exposing, especially if you expect to be blamed or pressured into an immediate decision. A couples therapist generally starts by learning what has brought you in, how your relationship developed, what each partner wants to change, and which strengths are still present.
The exact intake process differs by clinician, but early sessions commonly include:
- A joint conversation about your concerns, history, and goals.
- Questions about recurring conflicts, communication, trust, intimacy, parenting, finances, or other current pressures.
- Attention to how the two of you interact when a difficult subject arises.
- A shared treatment plan identifying the patterns and skills that need attention.
- Guided practice with new ways to speak, listen, regulate emotion, and reconnect.
The therapist’s role is not to decide which partner is the problem. Couples therapy examines the cycle between you while still holding each person responsible for their choices. A therapist may interrupt harmful communication, challenge assumptions, or slow a discussion so both people can understand what is happening.
Timeframes vary with the severity of the concerns, your goals, attendance, and what happens between sessions. Some couples begin recognizing triggers or reducing escalation within six to eight appointments. More durable change often takes 12 to 20 weekly or biweekly sessions, and complex concerns may take longer. These ranges are guides, not guarantees.
Both partners do not need to feel equally confident at the start. If one of you is reluctant, avoid presenting therapy as punishment or proof that the other person is at fault. Our guide to talking with a resistant partner about therapy offers a calmer way to begin that conversation.
When Joint Therapy Helps—and When to Pause
Couples counseling is most useful when both people can participate without fear and have enough stability to speak honestly. It can support conflict repair, emotional reconnection, premarital preparation, recovery after a breach of trust, or clearer decisions about the relationship.
Joint sessions are not the right starting point when there is active domestic violence, coercive control, fear of retaliation, or a serious threat to either partner’s safety. In those circumstances, open discussion can increase danger. Safety planning and specialized individual or domestic violence support should come before conjoint therapy. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact emergency services and move to a safer place if possible.
An active, unmanaged substance use disorder may require stabilization or specialized treatment first. A review available through PubMed Central describes safety-based exclusion criteria used in behavioral couples treatment, including ongoing physical fear and violence requiring medical attention. Active unmanaged psychosis can also make joint work inappropriate until the condition is stabilized.
If you are uncertain whether joint sessions are safe, speak privately with a qualified professional or advocate rather than confronting a controlling partner about attending together.
In-Person and Telehealth Couples Therapy in Iowa
Access should not add another barrier to getting help. We provide in-person marriage and couples counseling at our Ankeny office and secure telehealth for clients located throughout Iowa. Our therapists also serve couples from Ankeny, Des Moines, Ames, Altoona, Johnston, West Des Moines, Polk City, and nearby Central Iowa communities.
Our care includes premarital partners, couples navigating divorce or relationship difficulties, veterans and their partners, and LGBTQ+ relationships. We aim to offer an unbiased space that respects your relationship and helps you work toward clear, shared goals.
We accept most major insurance plans, including Medicaid and Medicare, and participate in VA Community Care. Coverage for couples work can depend on the plan and the clinical service provided, so we verify benefits before your first appointment. Same-day appointments may be available, depending on scheduling.
You can learn more about our approach on our marriage and couples therapy page.
Take the Next Step Together
If you are ready to discuss counseling, contact Ankeny Family Counseling, call (515) 508-1150, or email amber@ankenyfamilycounseling.com. In-person care is available at 1850 Southwest Plaza Shops Lane Suite D, Ankeny, IA 50023, and telehealth is available throughout Iowa. To request an appointment, register online.
